I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who would listen and tell me that I’m the perfect mix of sexy and cute. I would love that. I will stop blogging and get a journal.

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I’m trying

but I feel like no matter how much I try nothing comes out of it. Nothing. Nothing amounts to failure now. I am not learning, growing, developing and I’m not even in the position where I can fake that I am because it’s all bullshit. No matter how many times I tell myself that I cannot believe it, the fact is that it is true. I can’t believe this is my life but it is. It’s such a crappy one, it’s low and even if I tried to end it, the universe will stop me mid way and have me here in a vegetative state. There’s no way out. Trying doesn’t work. I want to close my eyes and stay asleep forever. I hate my existence. 28 and this is my story and lonely pathetic life.

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I love Halloween!

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This is a picture of me and my mom.

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This is of me and my sister.

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and candy! KitKat and Reese Peanut Butter Cup is my favorite cheap candy.

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Ugh

I just realized that my life is so pathetic that I am sharing my day (complete with pictures taken on my Blackberry) on my blog to a bunch of strangers on the internet. When will I grow up? I don’t believe my life. It’s come down to this.

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my today (which was yesterday

Today I was in my sister’s room looking out of her window. Her window faces the backyard so I was admiring the pond and garden which my dad cleaned up to get ready for the winter. There was a group of birds gathered on the lawn, it looked like a little bird meeting complete with food (they appeared to be eating something, or trying to dig up something in the grass) and guess what I saw? A Bluejay sitting on one of the rocks. It was all alone looking around the garden. I had season a Bluejay before play baseball but never the actual bird! I looked at the bird for a good while and decided to run and get my fancy camera but by then it flew away.

I took the bus to work today. On my way to the bus stop I saw piles and piles of raked leaves but aside ready to be bagged. I was so tempted to jump into one but resisted because I’m a good neighbor.

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I was walking along my usual route to get to the bus stop and this is how it looked.

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I saw a bench and put my Mat and Nat bag down for a picture, I think it looks nice enough to be an advertisement in a glossy magazine. This bag of mine is special because it is 100 percent VEGAN. It is not leather and absolutely no animals were harmed in making this bag in the name of fashion. The inside lining of the bag is made out of 40 recycled plastic water bottles. Mat and Nat is a Canadian company and believes in fashion with a heart. I love their bags!

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confession

I’ve never been “in” the moment. I’ve always been sexually engaged with my body but my mind (which affects and dictates the movement of my body) has always been outside looking in. Looking at his reaction. I can’t articulate myself properly because I’m sleepy but this is an experience I will blog about soon.

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self control

November will be the month of absolutely no shopping (in Canada, I have a day trip planned to go to Buffalo, USA on Sunday and what is bought there does not count because buying across the boarder is more like saving). That is 30 days of not swiping my VISA, debit card or digging into my wallet for money (which I never carry because why pay with cash when you can collect rewards points redeemable towards travel on a VISA card?). In addition to testing my retail self control I will be going back to my no chocolate diet. This is all in an effort to gain some control of my life, control that I feel like I am losing.

Since I will not be shopping for an entire month, look at my new ring I bought today for 25% off!

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