this blog is my comfort, I have people to turn to but I don’t think anyone would get me. Every day is a waste and existence is lonely when you’re different. I don’t want anyone’s opinions, views or a lecture. Things wont get better, I can’t get better. I am so tired I can’t even articulate myself. I can post nice pictures, say interesting things, I can see exciting places but I feel fake and alien to myself and others.

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I can’t sleep

I just want to be removed from existence. I really can’t do this anymore, it’s unbearable. I don’t know how I face mornings and the day.

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I have a friend name Kris whose opinions and ideas I highly value, although I have been friends with him for just over a year he is my go-to-buddy for personal matters, sometimes I feel like he knows way too much about me but that never stops me from texting him when something is up. His name and thoughts have frequented my blog posts and one day I hope to co-author a post with (I just can’t figure out a topic). Of course when you are down and friends give you their opinion on you they it almost never matters because they are your friends, they have to be nice to you however his is one of the few I objectively trust. He is one of the most encouraging, intelligent individuals I have ever met and here is a snip bit of the text conversation we had today.

me: you’re one of the very few people whose opinions I value

Kris: it’s cause I’m dating a brown girl…so I get more street cred

me: I’m going to very honest, that is one of the reasons I trust you more and immediately.

proof that if you date outside your culture, especially a brown girl you will gain respect faster (at least with me)

David is also a friend’s whose opinion and thoughts I highly admire and regard. Although he is not in my immediate space and lives in NYC we talk almost daily. He is Haitian, African American and he never fails to amaze me. Today he said something that made me laugh.

David: do you know Indians killed Sikhs

me: yes and did you know based on that knowledge and acknowledgement to Sikh history me father would totally approve us getting married?

David: lol

me: seriously, if you ever want to date a Punjabi girl with Sikh parents there is hope, just add in that Indira Gandhi is a bitch and they’ll personally take you gold shopping.

conclusion: black/white guys who like Punjabi girls but are afraid of their parents, there is hope for you! No doubt Punjabi parents can racist pricks (when it comes to their kids marrying outside their religion) but if you bring up how much India has historically and continues to wrong Sikhs and destroy Punjab you are game!

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my sister’s shower

I co-hosted my sister’s bridal shower this past Sunday. The event was at my Massi’s (my mom’s sister, quite literally our second mom whose house me and my sisters have been sleeping at for over a month, turning it into a wedding planning slash wedding arts and crafts mess) backyard. I am not fond of showers which includes the one that I am required by common sense and for the maintenance of personal hygiene to take every morning. Showers are one of those things you cross your fingers and hope that you are not invited to but end up attending. You kind of dread being there and might look at your clock to make sure the event begins and ends on the time written on the invite but of course you end up having fun partaking in traditional games, socializing and eating colourful well presented yummy food. It’s like ripping off a bandage, you think it’s going to be very painful but when you rip it off you realize the experience was not so bad.

My Massi played host and me and my younger sister made the event happen. The theme was Japanese cherry blossoms because that is my sister’s (the bride-to-be) favourite flower. The shower was not a surprise, Jo knew about it all along. The theme was decided upon at Papyrus (my favourite greeting card store where the card is the present) as we were shopping for invitations. There was a table full of cards on sale and we didn’t like any of them, they were either too flashy looking or too expensive (for just invitations!). I picked up a box whose cards resembled the pretty pink flower and asked her if these are Japanese cherry blossoms. She said that they very well could be. I turned the box over and saw the price, subtracted the discount, added the tax, paid and walked out the mall beaming with inspiration.


Our next task was to find the perfect bridal shower game prizes and wrap them up. We decided to mix and match Japanese cherry blossom and Indian Jasmine mists from the Body Shop and wrap them up in clear plastic bags.


And coincidentally we chanced upon this lovely Japanese cherry blossom ribbon from Michaels where creativity does happen!


The Japanese cherry blossom theme could not be without the classic Japanese folding fan. Only my sister could find this and make it happen.

We found long stems of Japanese cherry blossoms and lovely vases for centre pieces.


I thought white paper plates and white plastic cutlery would look just fine but my sister insisted that a nature green would tie together the look so she made it happen. Jo and my younger sister Choti also came to the agreement that I am never satisfied with the work on others that they wrapped up the cutlery while I was at work. I was kind of bummed that they did it without me but completely understand why they think that I never like the work of other people (because I do believe that I can do a better job). I was happily surprised and they did a great job without me.

I don’t know how we found these Japanese paper lanterns but we did.


4pm on Saturday evening and where was I? At Michaels because I was scrambling to make the bride-to-be sign for my sister’s bride-to-be-chair! I found sparkly lettering, a wooden board and pretty flowers. Tie that all together with a glue gun and I had my sign less ready 24 hours until the event.


I promised my sister that I’d make her a welcome sign to her shower and she made it! I had complete faith that I would fuck up and she would make it happen. Less than 48 hours until the event she painted a white board mixing white and red oil paint. It wasn’t even close to dry and with less than 13 hours until the event she had written it, drawn branches and glued pretty flowers to it with glue gun.


I had never made cake pops before and was adamant that I was going to perfect them for my sister’s shower. So at 11am on a Saturday night, less than 12 hours until the shower I made cake pops and learned how to decorate them with candy melt and candy flowers.


We did not book the tent because we were really hoping it would not rain on Sunday and the tent guy said he would not reserve the tent for us thereby making it up for grabs. Luckily the night before our tent guy told that the tent was available and would be up by 10:30 am on Sunday morning before the rain began to pour.

This is how all of our planning came together.


These little confetti stars are hand made. In 2013 after I came back from India I went through a Japanese lucky-star-folding phase and made over 1000, filling 2 containers. I got my cousin’s wife into it while she was pregnant. I found her bottle and used her stars for the shower. They look like candy and made a beautiful touch to our theme.


Her bride-to-be-chair


My cousin’s wife had another baby and this time instead of folding stars after pregnancy she got into baking cakes and cupcakes. This is her work.


Cake pops



Seriously. With under 7 days left until the shower we could not decide on a cake person. We wanted Anita but she was booked doing 2 cakes so she referred us to another lady and with just 1 weeks notice she did this for us.


I guess I would do it all over again for my sister (but I really hope I do not have to!)

Us 3 at High Park during the last week of Japanese cherry blossom season.


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It is 1:02pm and I am blogging this rather late. I still have this overwhelming desire to drink poison but of course I won’t because when I want something the entire universe will do everything in it’s power to keep it away from me. Death in this instance is one of them, among other things like a cool job, a bigger bladder and perfectly shaped eye brows. If I were to drink poison I would probably gag, the poison would never make it to the desired location causing me a slow painless death and I would turn into a vegetable and my life would be prolonged 25 years in that unbearable state. Gosh, being alive sucks. It sucks, I actually have no reason to be here. I am here only because I am not that selfish. I mean I am but not that much.

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I can’t get rid of these feelings and strong desire to want to call it quits with life. It is 8:1am and this is my first thought of the day. Life still isn’t worth it. I’m not in control of other peoples’ opinions of me but that is one of the few reasons I want to stop breathing. There are others but I am too lazy to type them out. Oh gosh I wish death would come over me, I can’t keep going. Okay having said that, I am not crazy and smarter than my post appears and don’t need “help” the world does.

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hashtag wow

It was a Tuesday evening and he texted me unexpectedly. I was in my room doing some much necessary and required research on which Body Shop body mist I should purchase next (it was between Indian Jasmine and Japanese Cherry Blossom and if you are curious to know which one I chose I ended up ordering both and now I regret not adding vanilla into the order because I had free shipping). “Do you want to hang out?” he asked casually making it seem as if he were implying we go out for ice cream and engage in light conversation. I fancied ice cream, mint chocolate chip from Baskin Robins to be exact but I knew better than to think this was an invitation to get a scoop (but still I was hopeful).

“Let’s go” I replied, direct but trying not to sound eager in the tone of my text (so I had intentionally left out the exclamation for effect). “I’ll pick you up in 20 minutes” he responded. He didn’t ask me if I’d be ready in 20 minutes, rather he told me that he was going to be there in 20. It annoyed me a little because it indicated that he isn’t going to consider where I was (not that he knew I was at home but obviously assumed that’s where I’d be because where else could I be?) or what I was doing but I liked his directness and timeliness. Another text chimed on my phone. “And do not wear underwear” he added. Now there is absolutely no chance he’ll detour for ice cream I thought to myself. “Absolutely” I replied back to him keeping it short and sweet, giving him the exact same hope that he had taken away from me. Another text came in “it’s raining, I know you like the rain.” Surprised that he remembered something I said, I replied “it makes for the nicest background noise.”

It was a humid evening as it had been pouring all day, April showers were supposed to bring May flowers but it only brought more drizzle and storms and wet grass. The rain had created a light mist in the air that mixed nicely with the soft breeze. It was refreshing but it also made my hair frizzy and consequently made me feel very unsexy (as it affected my run-your-fingers-through-my-hair-hair. But not that he ever runs his fingers through my hair. Instead he insists that I tie it up and each time while I very much enjoy it down). I took my keys and my mobile phone and walked to his car and waved to him through the window. I opened the door. He studied me. I turned towards him “hi” I said sounding chipper as usual reaching over to his side to buckle my seat belt, searching for the slot to hear the click. “Hi” he replied as he put his hand on my knee and turned to kiss me.

With this left hand on the wheel he reached his free hand for mine and held it, slowly running his fingers down mine and probably wondering “gosh she’s soft.” “I’m soft eh?” I thought out loud speaking what is on his mind. “You’re soft” he agreed with his eyes glued on the road and his mind fixed on me. “Feel how soft my arms are” I went on and he complied gently running the back of his fingers up and down my bare shoulder at the red light. His touch felt nice as we drove in anticipation of being with each other in a tangled sexy mess.

“Right here” he said as he parked the car under a tree in a park. I looked around, scanning this rather unusual location that he chose. “Seriously?” I asked “here?” “Yes” he replied. Like 2 teenagers after a movie date we parked in a public space ironically looking for privacy. He shut off the engine and looked at me with lustful desire completely oblivious of his surroundings. “But someone might catch us!” I said concerned about being caught, fined and imprisoned. “So we’ll put on a show for them” he answered. The possibility of being caught made me want him more, and the prospect of having an audience lessened my anxiety and gave me a dose of confidence. His body was going to be my stage.

He slid my sweater off my shoulders, softly touching my bare skin igniting a shiver all over my body. His brown eyes had a mischievous look in them, twinkling and darling. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked smiling wondering what was going on his mind to prompt him to look at me like that. “I’m not looking at you like anything” he defended as I played with his hair that now began to show hints of greys. “I know you hate when I point your greys but it’s so sexy” I admitted. “Yah I don’t like it” he said self consciously and he leaned in to kiss me pulling me close. His kiss was sexy, sweet and sensual all wrapped up. Like paint bleeding together I couldn’t decipher which emotion I felt more as I slowly drifted melting into a puddle of happy letting every bit of his presence on me take control of my body. His touch was sure but it was gentle, as his hand teasingly made way between my thighs causing an overwhelming sensation in my body. I was elated, in my own realm and completely turned on. The scent of his cologne began to mix with the humidity in the air and it smelled enchanted, consuming me entirely and suspending all desire to think, talk, analyze, and reflect. He sucked my body lip biting it enough to make it hurt in pleasure building my suspense and making me want to take possession of him.

I slid off my sneakers heel toe, heel toe like a child who had just come home from school and eagerly climbed up on the passenger seat. My knees dug deep into the black seat of his little hatchback. Still kissing him I slowly crawled towards him, careful that my bum didn’t accidentally hit the steering wheel setting off the car horn and abruptly ending our moment crafted in natures organic noises. I sat there on him with my legs across his thighs and my ass propped against his hardening cock. “Mmmmm”. He continued kissing me, slipping his tongue between my lips invitingly, sensual and ever so sexy. With his hands firmly holding my waist he unbuttoned my jeans, and his hands made their way up my tshirt trying to reach higher. “Don’t you dare unhook my bra” I scolded playfully taking my hands off his hair and around to my back. He wrestled me with all his strength and finally giving into mine. “Meet me in the back” he whispered as he helped me off of him. I hopped to the back between the front seats like a rabbit.

“Hi” I greeted him playing coy as I clipped my hair up and off my face. “Come over here” he demanded. I complied eagerly awaiting his next move in this tight space as the rain started up again. I complied. Sitting with both my legs folded behind me I crawled to him, straddling on top of him hoping that the car would magically turn into a bed with a roof. I looked into his eyes with a mischievous look on my face as I unzipped his pants. His eyes widened with excitement eagerly expected my next move. With my hand inside his jeans I explored dropping it lower, gently grabbed his cock and stroked his hardness over his briefs, teasing him the same way he teased me. A moan escaped from deep inside him and it made me more bolder, more daring with each passing second. I had him hot and needy as I held his throbbing hard flesh in my hand and it was wonderful! The feeling of being dominate was powerful but I wouldn’t be in the lead for very long.

He interrupted me, distracting me from his maleness with his soft lips and started to kiss my neck unexpectedly. Gently kissing me from neck to my ear, softly biting my ear lobe with his teeth and licking the shell of my ear setting me off into a desire filled frenzy. If I was in Plato’s World of Forms I thought, then he was the perfect form of sex. I could hear his soft breathing and it made me wet with desire. With my back against him he took me into his arms softly kissing the side of my neck, shoulder and down my back. “You’re look so beautiful naked” he said. “Inside, I want you inside me” I whispered consciously as if afraid that someone might hear me. “What did you say?” he asked me again. I tilted his head towards me and whispered into his ear, “finger me” I demanded. He moved the top of my pink lace panties aside and dipped his fingers inside stroking my femininity searching for me, signalling me to come for him.

Like an easel begging for art I naturally parted my legs in anticipation of him sliding his fingers in and out, in and out of me biting my bottom lip to stop myself from moaning in delight. I wanted him to finger paint me. Cover me with pinks and reds, hues of blue and yellow and lose me in the intensity of the suns golden rays. With my eyes clenched tightly together and his fingers covered in my honey I couldn’t help it, I let out of a scream of encouragement as my hands tightly gripped his forearm begging him to go deeper. His fingers sliding in and out of me provoked me, aroused me, pleasured me. He turned me upside down and inside out as his lips covered my neck in endless wet kisses. Unable to contain myself I screamed in ecstasy, squirmed in glee as my heart continued to race against time. Consumed by the walls of heat burning inside of me my orgasm was furthering, the tingling sensation was building but I was unable to sneeze! We had battled to the death. He had pushed, I had fought him back and now I was ready to give into him. I moved my back further into him, tilted my head back, every joint in body stiffened and our space was getting increasingly warmer. I yelled out his name and he lifted me, higher and higher until I finally crashed and free fallen into his arms. I had climaxed. My lungs hurt from screaming, I couldn’t breathe, my mouth was dry, my lips were sore from the constant biting and I could feel the tingling all the way in my toes. “mmmm” I mouthed to him as he kissed my shoulder. Hashtag wow.

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