i still can’t stand living

It’s 9:13 am and this is the thought I woke up with. I have to die in order to attain peace. I have a feeling that I am going to out-live my sisters and parents. The world is such a cruel place and not everyone belongs.

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i can only imagine

how she feels when he says her name.

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my name

I wish I could hear him say my name.

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Sunday

This past Sunday at my parents’ house we had a Paath. My parents started a Sajeh Paath a while ago where both my parents read the Guru Granth Sahib in Senchia (the scripture of the Guru Granth Sahib broken into two or more study volumes) in intervals each morning after they recited the Jap Ji Sahib (the morning prayer).

Each morning my parents would sit on a blanket sprawled on the floor in front of their window. With their backs against the wall they would read out loud together from the Senchia. Winter, spring and summer, it took them 3 seasons and they completed it. Coincidentally their completion coincided with the month of my sister’s wedding.

The Paath we held at home was a relaxed reading of the Guru Granth Sahib. The night before the big day we had 2 tents pitched in the backyard, layed down tarps and foam matresses, set up the chandoa on the ceiling. It was a small and intimate gathering of family and friends in the backyard where the Granthi read Sukhmani Sahib (a prayer, the name literally means Treasure (mani) of Sukh (peace) ).

more to come on my experience of this day

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Panama

It will be 4 months in August since I came back from Belgium and Berlin. I promised myself that I will try my best to dip every 4 months and I have decided my destination. I want to go to Panama for 7 days.

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this is going on my blog but I’m leaving his name out

(now my compliment count has sky rocketed it to over 10 before turning 30!)

But I need to say something.

me: Say it.

At the risk of sounding like a fool who’s speaking out of turn.

me: No. I am not judging

You’re disgustingly smart. You’re incredibly cultured. You’re devastatingly beautiful. How is it you haven’t found anyone who’s realized all that yet? I mean – between everything I said you care about your family, you’re well-read, you understand the poignancy of details – you’re a catch. So how are you ever hung up on anyone?

me: That’s so nice of you to say.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude. And I’m not even trying to flirt or hit on you. I just don’t understand how you feel this way. You’re an absolute catch in every sense of the word.

me: I don’t know. Things are the way they are. Dr Suess said, the questions are complicated but the answers are simple. Things are because they are. You’re not being rude and I know you’re not trying to flirt. I don’t know what to tell you.

I’m sorry, I’ve spoken out of turn. I’m just confused. I don’t understand how someone can’t love you. Fuck, even I love you. You’re great. Your romance is so freaking attractive. I just don’t get it.

me: You haven’t. I’m not easily offended anymore.

(again, in a not flirting/hitting on you way)

me: But I don’t know what to say to this one. I’m usually fulla answers or shit.

I’m sorry, Kiran – I don’t mean to be an ass, and I don’t mean to be one of those guys who tells girls at bars to smile.

I really hope I’m not coming across that way.

me: You’re absolutely not. Trust me on this. I’m serious. Your guess is as good as mine.

I’m just saying if I overheard you at a bar talking about weird, cultural idiosyncrasies that would be enough to try and invade your conversation. Like – you’re a goddamn riddle wrapped in a really polite, humble, knock-out beautiful package.

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I feel like I have to explain myself

A friend of mine, someone I respect and highly admire and have become good friends with over the years, a fellow blogger who has retired his blog (and I hope he creates a new one) texted me this afternoon. Let me also mention that I deeply value his insights and opinions and that is rare because I don’t really value anyone’s opinion except my own.

He told me that he was reading my blog and went on to tell me that I am talented. Of course I was surprised. Not surprised that he thought that I was talented, but that he was reading my blog especially on a Saturday afternoon because after a 5 day work week there are so many other things one could be doing than reading my work (folding socks, doing laundry, searching for . Now I knew he thought I was talented at writing, I believe him that he thinks I am talented (only because this guy knows his shit and is cultured and well read) but the truth is that I don’t think too much of my writing, I think I can improve as a story teller and as an essayist and would love to improve however I lack the time to perfect my favorite past time and love.

He went on to tell me that he feels that I don’t finish my thoughts, or dig deep enough into my mind to explore the opinions that I have, the emotions that I feel and why they are consuming me to the point where I must blog about them (or at least as the reader it sure doesn’t seem that I do). He said that he feels like I leave my readers hanging in my blog posts instead of giving them a ride through my genius lucid mind (okay he didn’t call me a genius but I have a tendency over exaggerate but I do think I am a very intelligent individual and am not reluctant to use the word genius to describe myself every now and then).

My blog is my safe space where I can explore areas of my mind, let go of my inhibitions, set my creative spirit free and just and make sense of my understanding of myself from my point of view while trying to see myself from the other’s point of view.  A physical self trapped in a body (that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel and enjoy. A body that I love and love to hate. A body that simultaneously feels strange and familiar, big and small, strong and weak ) and further trapped and embedded in this social world while often neglecting logic and rationality in favor of feel-goodism to justify myself and bend the rules in my favor. Moreover this is my non physical space where I put my immaterial side out to internet space and share my wealth of knowledge, stupidity, ignorance, weaknesses, wits and jokes. Sometimes I get so into my blog that I forget where Kiran stops and Apple Kaur begins or where Apple Kaur stops and Kiran begins.

I asked him for some examples, exactly what did he want to know? He wanted to know more about my relationship with that guy, the one who turns me upside down, inside out but I have no feelings for. My friendship gone wrong and why I admitted that I would keep him on the side if I ever found myself in a committed relationship. I have many answers and from now one I am going to go deeper.

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