its getting worse

If I die tonight it would be such a sweet escape.

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the feeling is back

I want to close my eyes and never wake up. I don’t want a slow and painful death, I want to slip out of consciousness. Nothing is worth being here for.

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I feel the nausea of existence again.

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one more sleep until

I turn 30. I still don’t know how I feel about this, about turning 30. I don’t know if I am supposed to feel anything. I have had a series of existential crisis leading up to this day and I have remained calm. I have not fallen into self doubt or scared myself silly. I do however have a wish, I want to be 27 forever! But that is impossible as I am moving into a series of constant right nows, a future that I cannot stop myself from heading into. I head into this future being wiser, more secure and confident in my being than I was prior to this future that keeps passing as I keep thinking, reflection and  typing as I occupy this time and space. I hope my thirties are just an extension of my twenties, my twenties were good. I learned, developed and created this self that I am today. My very essence was created through the choices I made, by my actions and inactions and I like the person that I am and the person, that I have become and the person that I am becoming. I hope my thirties are happier now that I can say I kind of know who I am (though I surprise myself daily), a highly intelligent, deeply flawed, wonderfully complex, wrong yet kind of right person who is vulnerable and strong with a developed personality. This is my year, this is my life and it’s going to be amazing.

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2 more days until 30

With only 2 days left until 30 here at the thoughts that are running through my mind:

– I look amazing naked
– I wish I could be 27 forever
– I don’t think I want to be in my early 20’s
– I wish I had tried oysters when I wasn’t a vegetarian
– Fair and Shine totally made my skin noticeably nicer

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exactly one month until 30

I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to mind was there is exactly 1 month until I turn 30. An overwhelming sense of panic came over me mixed with a dose of existential dread, natural as I am very close to leaving my 20’s (a decade I became very comfortable in) and embarking upon a new decade with it’s own set of societal set norms, expectations and worries. Seeing as how my teens and 20’s were spent in defiance of them (both intentionally and unintentionally) I am interested to see how my 30’s will unfold. I think I might even go as far as to say that I look forward to my 30’s being more secure and wise in my being.

As I now transition from my late 20’s to 30, a decade which is dubbed as the “new 20’s” (which I hope isn’t true at all because I have no desire to relive my 20’s I do not go into my 30’s without wisdom collected from my experience, inexperience, actions and in-actions, my embeddedness in an oppressive Punjabi household, my strong academic philosophical background and my subjectivity in this life that I was thrown into without permission, a life I didn’t chose to be in existence in. Here is the wisdom that I have collected, if it can be called wisdom at all.

1) Travel. If you don’t have a passport get one. You don’t need a lot of money, just a desire in your heart to see the world and a can-do-attitude, creativity, Google, and the ability to adjust to your surroundings and space. If all you can afford is a small cramped room with a shower that barely allows you so spread your arms wide, with an uncomfortable bed, terrible view, just book it! and deal with it. You’re really only going to sleep there. Spend the money that you saved on accommodations on new and interesting food, museum and art gallery tickets and some more food! Travel with your sisters. When you’re in Delhi in +45 degree weather you’ll learn how to make any uncomfortable space feel at home. When your sister is sick you’ll develop your mother’s touch. When you’re low on money because you didn’t convert enough dollars to rupees your sister will always be your personal bank. When your sister wants something really expensive you will become a natural bargainer. You’ll learn so much when you step outside your home country that no book, movie or philosophical quote can ever teach you.

2) Spend time with your parents. They are not going to be around forever. Travel with them. It’s cool to travel with your mom and dad. After moving to a foreign country for a promise at a “good opportunity”, years of working hard, paying off a mortgage, and never indulging in any luxuries just so that their children can live a comfortable life, you may be the only way they’ll be able to see Europe or South America. When you travel with them, roles will reverse. You’ll be the parent and your parents will be dependent on you for a good time. Show them a new place, old tall buildings, open markets sprawling with life and culture, go on a river boat cruise, and take a hike through a rainforest and see colourful birds and interesting animals. Take lots of pictures of them being silly. Buy them the first thing they point to like they’re a kid in a candy store and watch them eat that gelato. You’ll see the world through your parents eyes which very much resembles like a child. It’s priceless.

3) Love your grandparents. Not everyone is lucky to have grandparents. It’s difficult to be patient with them but try.

4) Smile. Smiling looks good on everyone. If you’re having a bad day fake a smile for those around you until you believe that it’s not fake (for no one will believe your lie if you don’t believe in it first). You fake smile might even turn genuine. Don’t look down and walk, keep your head high and smile to strangers. Not everyone will smile back but when you get a smile back from one person, it’ll feel great. When you smile, the world really does smile back.

5) Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be considerate. Practice sympathy, empathy and pity. Everyone is struggling. Give the comfort you want to receive.

6) Don’t be impulsive. Think before you buy something. Wasting money isn’t good, hording is even worse, and never using something you purchased makes little sense. Buy only what you need and think clearly about what you “need” as it’s very easy to confuse what you think you “need” with what you “want”

7) Eat chocolate. Life is too short to say no to chocolate. Eat it in moderation though because chocolate is not worth getting fat for.

8) Do what makes you happy but be considerate of how your actions and inactions will affect those around you.

9) Call in sick for work and take a road trip.

10) Don’t try to be moral all the time, sometimes being selfish at the right place at the right time makes for a good story and even nicer memories.

11) Be in the moment. Try not to take pictures of every thing. Sometimes being present in the moment when the server brings your food is nicer than taking the perfect picture because the perfect picture can ruin what could have been a perfect moment.

12) Study what you want. Get a MA or PhD in philosophy if that if what your heart desires. It isn’t a waste of time. It’s fruitful but only a small handful of people will understand that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t lead to a six figure salary because the pursuit of knowledge is a good end.

13) If you don’t have a lot of money you’ll still be okay. You can set your goal on accumulating wealth but there’s no end to numbers. Put some aside for a rainy day, give some to charity and use some for yourself. Travel, eat good food, drink exquisite wine, eat fine chocolate, read books, buy precise paint brushes and make a lot of art.

14) Love. Love with all your heart. Love even if you’re not loved in return. Love until you have a goofy face on in the bus while reading a text message. Love until love makes you cry and makes you wish you were dead. Love as much as you can and as often as you can. Love like you’re going to lose our love.

15) Be unapologetically you. Don’t change for anyone. It’s not worth it.

16) Just accept the fact that not everyone sees the world the same way you do, but some do.  Keep those people close to you even if they live far away. Text them, Skype them, schedule to meet up with them.

17) I’m not in competition with anyone. I have no to compete at being “better than” everyone else but rather I’m trying to be a better person than I was yesterday.

18) If ever you meet a wonderful guy don’t play hard-t0-get. Text him right away because life is short, especially if you don’t get the attention from guys at all.

19) Sometimes you just have to realize that it is what it is, you can only control the way you look at the situation.

20) Expectation is really the root of heartache.

21) I wont love you forever, I’ll love you for a series of “right nows”

22) Drink good coffee, fair coffee, use brown sugar and have good company.

23) Life is important but it is also meaningless. It’s only after I realized that is completely and utterly meaningless that I finally understood what it’s all about.

24) Some of the most interesting people are those that do not know what to do with their lives. I’ve realized it. It’s true. The ones who do have goals are great. Those who seem to have “everything” (those cookie cutter lives) have sacrificed a lot to have what appears to be “perfect”

25) Being vegetarian was one of the best choices I have ever made.

26) After a nice shower, dry yourself off and just admire your nude self.






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not just a kiss


A kiss is not a kiss. There is so much emotion encapsulated in the moment when the lips of two lovers touch that for one to reduce the physical act of kissing to a just a gesture means to overlook a very human element about ourselves. The very instinctual and intuitive act of touching or pressing of one’s lips against another person object cannot be dismissed as merely an act but an act that holds sentimental value. We kiss because we desire. In addition to being rational (albeit sometimes stupid), social, political beings we are beings filled with desire. A desire to consume, possess, show off, lay claim to, destroy, conquer and most importantly we desire being confirmed as beings and loved (especially in return). Consequently there is something in us that cannot help but bring our lips close to the object of our affection to express our love, passion and romantic desire. A kiss is never without a story.

Auguste Rodin’s “The Kiss” is a kiss that is worth a thousand words, glances and stares of intrigue and is also not one without history. His famous sculpture invites and involves the viewer into his masterpiece of the bodies of two lovers intertwined in a sensual kiss. Like with many public displays of affection you (despite the look of disgust on your face which is naturally most likely maintained to blend in with the so called “public perception” and/or because you may not have had the experience of the quixotic moment where time stands still and everyone around you disappears as your lover looks into your eyes with that adorable sexy look that says I-just-want-to-kiss-you, leans into you and suspends your mind of all thought) cannot help but think to yourself “how cute!” As you move around this sculpture you are easily captivated by how sexy it is. And it is only as you continue to walk around this life sized piece that you almost feel overly self-conscious and aware of time and space. Like you are almost engaging in a voyeurism. You begin to wonder is anyone watching me as I look at this couple? or have I been looking at this sculpture longer than most people? But despite that, you cannot help but feel that you can stare at the Kiss forever.

Rodin has given us a great privilege of witnessing this passionate kiss, one that is not without a story. The ill-fated lovers in Rodin’s romantic masterpiece are from Dante’s Inferno. The Kiss depicts the fateful embrace of adulterous lovers Francesca and Paolo. Paolo was the brother of Francesca’s husband. The two had fallen in love and right before their moment of passion were discovered by Francesca’s husband and murdered in a jealous rage. (Interestingly Paolo’s son then killed his uncle) The Kiss is one of erotically charged suspense and captures the two lovers right before their demise.

The round-design of the sculpture in which the viewer is able to walk around the couple and observe them at different angles creates intimacy between the viewer and the subject. It makes the viewer feel as though they are part of the art work, and the viewer is the third person in this moment of forbidden passion. Kind of like a ménage a trios. When one first looks at this sculpture she is immediately drawn to the couples head which serves as the focal point, the place of the kiss. Both of their faces tilted towards each other, Paolo’s tilted down and Francesca’s a tad up to meet his lips. Francesca’s right arm rests around Paolo’s head, her shoulder conceals the kiss when one is looking at it directly. Movement is created by the positioning of her arm. One’s eyes are drawn from their head to her arm down and then to her back and stops at her left thigh. Her thigh is where Paolo’s masculine hand sensually rests. Due to the texture of his fingers the viewer’s eyes naturally make their way up his forearm landing on his muscular upper arm, down his perfectly sculpted chest and stomach, right back to his hand which is placed on Francesca’s thigh. The round design of their interlocked bodies directs and encourages the viewer to walk around the piece to study Francesca’s detailed strong feminine back. The viewer’s eyes are then directed down to her curvaceous bottom and then follow the direction of her right elbow which seems like it is resting on a rock while Paolo’s arm almost encloses her while holding a book they were reading before they succumbed to their passion. The couple is so involved with one another that their faces can barely be seen by the viewer, their lips touch just minutes before they are murdered. And Rodin has captured this moment for us to see. The closeness with which they hold each other makes the tragedy of their love so much greater. If you look closely, the skin of the couple is smooth and the rock they are sitting on is rough against their bottom, this contrast adds a further sensual element to the sculpture and gives you further insight into their romance, thereby making their love more deeper and their story more tragic. As if the discomfort caused by the harsh surface of the rock on their naked bottom cannot be felt or is completely oblivious to the couple in this moment of ecstasy and sheer pleasure that each of them feel while locked in embrace. Furthermore, when standing in front of this life size embrace one cannot help but feel the passion of the couple’s embrace as they continue to kiss unaware of all the eyes on them. The sculpture has immortalized Paolo and Francesca’s adulterous affair in bronze and their story is one that will not likely be forgotten. By simply being in the presence of this masterpiece one can feel the tragedy of the lovers last minutes together and even the most unbelieving will believe in an everlasting love.

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