I’ll never forget the night my heart shattered

I am so open in my blog about myself and my life but I am still not comfortable enough to share the day my heart shattered because it’s so embarassing, more embarassing than admitting that I’d hire a cuddle buddy.

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wednesday

I still don’t think life is worth it.

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cuddle me

When I first heard about professional cuddlers it threw me off completely but I was still deeply intrigued by the entire concept that was presented to me in an article I had clicked on from Twitter.

Who thought up this idea? I wondered. Why is there an affection based service even available? And I must admit that my reaction was (unfortunately and shamefully) judgemental as I wondered what loser would sign up for this?

I could not wrap my head around the proposal of paying money for a session of cuddling (which normally doesn’t have a monetary value attached to it but is understandable in a world where bottled water is a thing and costs a whopping 99 cents). A session that would begin at a set time and end at what sounds like a ring of a buzzer (instead of one of the two partners having to get up to pee; or one partner letting go of the other because their arm has fallen asleep; or because the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians has finished recording on the PVR and she/can now watch it commercial free!)

After a little more research and introspection my entire view has changed and I now admit, that if I had disposable income (I am talking about winning the Thousand-Dollars-A-Week-For-The-Rest-Of-Your-Life-Lottery kind of income) I would completely sign up for a cuddle buddy and meet my professional cuddler once or twice a week.

Of course this person would be carefully screened by me and fit certain criteria. Someone who hopefully smells nice (Burberry Brit or Aqua Di Gio good), is a good hugger, enjoys classical music and will listen to all my problems, daily musings, work related bitching and stresses, watch youtube clips with me, provide me insights to my philosophical dilemmas and yes, in my mind I am hoping he falls in love with me. My therapy turns into Pretty Woman without me running the risk getting an STD or murdered.

For those of you who still do not know what I am talking about, professional cuddling is a thing. You call a Professional Cuddling service (by simply Googling it, there are so many springing up all over your city, at least they are in New York City and Toronto). A Professional Cuddling service offers clients platonic physical contact (that does not include sex or any form of sexual touching BUT it is completely natural to get aroused during the session of cuddling and it is recommended that one simply change cuddling positions). These companies charge anywhere between 50-80 dollars for a 60 minute session and perhaps more depending on if the cuddler is commuting to you. You make an appointment with the professional cuddler and she/he will meet you either at your office, your home or in a public space. These cuddling sessions are taped to ensure the safety and security of the professional cuddler and client.

Once you understand and sign the paper agreement stating no sexual activity between the purchaser of the snuggling time and the cuddle buddy will take place then your cuddling session begins. You and your cuddling buddy find a comfortable spot on the floor, couch or bed and the professional cuddler provides you with the most relaxing and enjoyable cuddling experience.

Cuddling is an important human experience. When you’re cuddling with someone your body begins to produce oxytocin, the happy chemical in your brain because you now feel relaxed, your everyday fears, anxieties and unhappiness begin to disappear because of your (be it platonic or romantic) human interaction. And oxytocin an important chemical because it plays an important role in lowering blood pressure, lowering stress levels, reducing social anxiety, helping relieve aches and pains (especially menstrual pain) and protect against inflammation.

I know, I sound like I am pitching it to you (but I assure you that I am not, I just love this business) and the entire idea sounds kind of lame right? If you want to cuddle or snuggle and are over the age of 14 get yourself a girlfriend or boyfriend. Yes, that is what I initially thought. But it sounds much simpler than it really is. With the advancement of technology, and university degrees are becoming completely worthless in a job market that is slashing jobs it is very easy to feel alone, lonely, worthless, misunderstood (genius), anxious, suffering from loss of sleep, stressed and sad (just to name a few!) and with the rise of social media playing a bigger role in peoples’ lives mixed with the increasing quality of phone cares that people use to filter their pictures online to make themselves appear much more than they really are attractive in person, our world that is getting more complicated each day. In a complex world it is normal to feel alone. One thing is true, it is better to feel alone with somebody than it is to feel alone by yourself. Alone with someone in bed, wearing comfortable pyjamas and fuzzy socks, being held close to someone’s body where you can smell his cologne and hear his beating heart, legs intertwined with his and he plays with strands of your hair delicately tucking them behind your ear while he adores the shape of your body. Enter the power of companionship and touch (for a little fee) and no strings attached someone can make you feel wanted!

Okay, I know this blog post is confusing. She seems to be in love with the idea, raises valid points about the need for companionship and human touch but now she seems like she is being condescending and sarcastic. I am not, I am sarcastic by nature. I am genuinely in love with this idea and would totally buy a session to learn how it feels to be wanted and held which will eventually lead to being wanted and adored.

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most of the time

life is so unbearable that I just want to die. Despite the chipper nature of my posts and my demeanor at work which I fake more than most womyn fake the orgasm I feel there is no reason to stay alive. Faking life til my last breath.

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Amritsar

I covered her eyes with my right hand. “Don’t look! Don’t look!” I said to my sister who was sitting to my left on a bicycle rickshaw as we were passing the gate of the Golden Temple on a gloomy grey humid summer afternoon. I had already seen hints of the giant golden structure that illuminated through one of the tall gates that enveloped the temple, all three of us promised each other not to peak. The gold pierced through the gates like rays of the sun. Each gate facing the cardinal directions East, West, North and South so that a person can enter the temple from any direction her religion dictated, each direction welcoming people from all walks of life regardless of religion, caste, creed, ethnicity, sexual orientation and race. There was a sense of comfort being so close to the Gurdwara, it felt like a home away from home.

The skies began to darken and it appeared that the light rain could be replaced with a heavy shower in any moment now. Our large suitcases fastened securely behind us, stuffed with our lives kept bumping up and down as the wheels of the rickshaw went over rubble increasing my anxiety that the rickshaw could tip over into a puddle of water marking us with cuts, scrapes and bruises and a trip to the local hospital. The sound of car and bicycle horns in the chaos of traffic outside of the sacred complex filled our ears, the intense heat mixed with the dizzying smell of pollution and roadside dhabba cooking oil used to fry samosas filled our noses and despite the two hour car ride in the rain to get into the city my tiredness was slowly being replaced with excitement. We had just arrived in Amritsar from Una, two weeks into our one month trip to India in July of 2012.

The first time I had ever visited the Golden Temple was when I was eleven years old and I have been visiting the Golden Temple almost every day with my grandmother as she watched a live telecast of the morning and evening prayers on T.V. Although not present physically, my vivid memories of echoing ardas blaring from the speakers and a starry cold night transported me there. After years of dreaming about Amritsar, imagining how it would feel to be sitting by the pool of water I was finally there. After checking into our accommodations, freshening up and having a light snack (which consisted of Uncle Chips (which are amazing! I love them but can’t find them in Canada, along with some Aquafina water because everything we drank was filtered to prevent our weak little touristy tummies from getting sick) we ventured to the premises of the temple.

I walked through the giant white marble gates and removed my shoes to wash my feet. The marble floor was sun kissed and felt warm beneath my toes, different from how it felt 15 years ago in the middle of the winter when the white marble was a frozen slab making it completely unbearable to walk on even while wearing the thickest of socks. I walked into the tiny basin of water to wash my feet and walked out, with my feet still wet I continued on adoring the white marble encrusted with precious stones arranged in a decorative Islamic-style floral print into the complex still in awe of where I was. The volume of the shabad increased as I approached the middle of the complex, before my eyes was the sarovar, a giant pool of water that surrounded the Golden Temple. The refection of the Golden Temple in sarovar was spectacular, I was unable to decipher whether I looking at a expressionist painting or was in a dream or if this was my reality. I was in complete bliss.

The place was even more beautiful than I had imagined it to be and the Golden Temple was breathtakingly stunning. The free standing 22 karat gold plated structure was radiant and there was a sublime peacefulness that blanketed the complex. It was surreal, a retreat for a wandering curious and philosophical mind that was seemingly sure of the nature of reality and rejected the existence of God but accepted the possibility of there being one. A perfect place for contemplation and reflection, a place in which it is so easy to lose track of time. The aura around the shrine was indescribable, it was alive with religious fervour and sacredness that one did not have to be the least bit religious to feel. There was a felt warmth, intensity, and sincerity that could not be replicated nor matched as I made my way to the Harmandir Sahib waiting my turn in line amongst the devoted pilgrims that crowded in to bow my head before the Guru Granth Sahib, the sacred holy book.

I don’t believe in a God. It’s a conscious and educated decision that I made when I turned eighteen. In my last year of high school I began to question concepts and ideas that were presented to me as absolute knowledge as a kid growing up. Is lying absolutely wrong? Is there such thing as doing “good”? Why should I give to charity? Why should I vote? Why should I shower every morning? And Since God played such a huge role in my life (as it was the cause of early morning Gurdwara trips that interrupted not only my precious sleep but Sunday morning cartoons) it was going to go under the most scrutiny.

After some careful thought with the aid of some highly intelligent professors and lots of deep reflective reading (along with regular coffee) so good (the combination of course, because coffee on it’s own isn’t that great unless it’s sipped slowly in front of a very cute guy which hasn’t happened in a while and now I want to stop blogging and cry) that it kept me distracted from reality TV (at it’s prime. I decided. I couldn’t believe in God any longer, my reason would not let me and my new found concept of autonomy (thanks to Sartre) gave me the freedom to reject it.

An entity that I grew up being forced to believe in (because there was no alternative to not believing in God because it was a fact, God existed. And also freedom of thought wasn’t a thing growing up in our house) was omniscient, benevolent and omnipresent and after some thought God turned out to be quite the opposite. There seemed to be some contradictions in God’s characteristics that I could not iron out.

God is benevolent. God loves every one of her/his creation and like a good parent she/he plays no favourites. However the state of the world seems to suggest quite the opposite. On Earth more than 3 billion people live on less than $2.50 a day, millions of people don’t have access to clean drinking water and basic sanitary washrooms. Many are subject to cruel and unusual punishment, have incurable diseases or diseases in which there is a cure except only they do not have enough to money to afford to buy the medication, so many people die from natural disasters, fetuses are aborted because they are the “wrong gender” (typically the baby girl sex), children have to choose between an education or are forced to work in order provide for their family thereby being robbed of a childhood, womyn are married off to men they hardly know and people live in cities that are constantly under a smog advisory (only to name a few evils). Conversely on the same Earth the Kardashian’s are rich and famous for being stupid and have the opportunity and means to purchase a handbag that costs enough to feed a family of 3 for an entire year (assuming the family resides in North America), purchase a car that costs enough to sustain a household of 5 and perhaps live comfortably 10 life times over on their total asset. Point made. Now how can there be so much evil in a world where God is all loving? How could many people on Earth live in such dire conditions while the same people on Earth live in comfort, excess and quality? This lead me to question God’s benevolence.

God is omnipotent, she/he has the power to do anything which includes the humanly impossible which means preventing evil which includes all of the above mentioned ones and many more (including and not limited to people taking selfies, the word selfie even being a word in the dictionary, people who cannot spell and people who smell). However her/his omnipotence seems to be at odds with God’s omniscience and more importantly, it is at odds with the existence of evil.

God is omniscient, God is the most intelligent being in the world. But how can God be all knowing in a world where so much evil that I have mentioned exists? Wouldn’t her/his foreknowledge prevent all the massive amounts of evil and also prevent the Kardashians from having their show renewed for yet another season? And also prevent me from the sheer misery of serving the stupid, smelly, uneducated, rude and disgusting (only to name a few) general public at the bank which causes me so much anger and frustration? So it seems to me that either three of the possibilities are true: 1) either God is not omniscient because if she/he was God’s intelligence would allow her/him the foreknowledge to prevent disasters from occurring, God could create a different outcome 2) God is intelligent but not benevolent because although she/he has the intelligence to prevent evil from happening God does not love human beings enough to provide them all with a high level of quality of life or 3) God is not omnipotent because if God were then God would have the power to prevent evil from occurring especially since God has the foreknowledge. 4) God has the knowledge but does not have the power to prevent evil.

One natural disaster occurs after another, war, famine and death of so many innocent children seems to be a natural recurrence. Furthermore, how can God’s omniscience exist alongside human free will? If God is omniscient then do humans have free will? The concept of free will becomes the centre of controversy as if God is omniscient and human beings do not have free will then they are fated. Which essentially means that we can do whatever we want and our actions cannot be subject to moral judgement. If this is the case then tomorrow I will just sleep in a bit, skip work entirely and watch youtube videos all day because this is my fate, God wanted it that way.

Of course if I did this I’d get fired (and lose my means to travel) but how can I be morally judged for this? Also, if I began to lie to my boss, and presented her with excuses as to why I repeatedly don’t show up from work then my lying cannot be subject to moral judgement because I was fated to lie.

I was unsettled at the thought of human beings being in possession of free will if God supposedly “knew all”, and was not willing to entertain the thought of mild determinism and completely rejected determinism and fatalism. I could not take seriously arguments for God’s benevolent nature as God was then playing favourites, turning her back on half of the world’s hungry, allowing them to starve and die while those in the “first world” lived in luxury (that includes those on welfare because this is welfare in a country with a relatively better standard of living than other countries).

So now the question I have been asking myself for years. Given that I do not believe in God, reject God’s existence but believe (since it is human to err) that there could be the slightest possibility that I am wrong and that God does exist (but unlike Pascale I am unwilling to make a wager in God’s favour) why do I go to the Gurdwara?

The Gurdwara for me has been a part of my upbringing. Sikhism taught me (despite being rooted in the foundation of God) about humanity, compassion for others especially those that might be your “enemy”, forgiveness, giving back to the community, how to be selfless and how to live a truthful and honest existence (truthfully and honestly as possible, of course it is impossible to be truthful and honest at all times). Of course one can look at me and say “ah ha! So you’re saying that God is required in order for morality to exist!”. No, I am not saying that because morality would exist in a world where God does not exist, morality would exist in communities in which there is no concept of God and it does. Morality could exist in both a God existing and Godless world because people would be bound by telling the truth, living honestly, being compassionate and caring by virtue of existing amongst each other. Doing the opposite would null and void the meaning of all those words, honesty would be an empty concept if no one was honest and everyone broke promises. It is just that the family I was born into are  I was born into was where I learned those concepts and when I bow my head before the Guru Granth Sahib I bow my head before the wisdom contained in the lines written by the Gurus who did not claim to have God like powers but taught Sikhs, Muslims and Hindus alike how to be better humans in order to live a fulfilling and meaningful life during our short time here on Earth.

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I feel alone

and I wish I didn’t.

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why do I blog?

When I blog and tell my story, it makes me feel that there is a truth to my reality.

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