I went into Shoppers Drug Mart to try to find a greeting card to give to my little sister (she needed some cheering up), I learned that there is no “cheer up” or “don’t worry be happy” section but there is an “I love you section” and I came across this! A card. It was simple and sweet and I wished this was something I could buy myself but I couldn’t because doing so would be lame and would probably warrant at least 3 sessions with a therapist (that I can’t afford) not that I believe in psychologists and psychiatrist anyway. In Gina’s words (Brooklyn 99) “psychologists are just people who weren’t smart enough to be psychics”.
The card read: “I am nuts about you” with a picture of 2 peanuts hugging each other!
Universe, I’m just letting you know that the upcoming Valentine’s Day is my last Valentine’s Day in my 20’s (which pretty much means my last Valentine’s EVER because I after 30 everything just goes down hill) and seeing as how I’ve never been in the opposite of unrequited love (because no one ever falls for me) and have therefore never celebrated this holiday (which sure is just a commercial holiday and an excuse to shop and eat chocolates and pay 10X more for flowers which would cost ten dollars on any other day (except Mother’s day) (which I of course I would never do because I believe picking flowers is cruel and inhumane and why the hell would someone kill a plant as a token of love? It’s like “here is this flower that has been cut off from it’s life source, who now has no access to sunlight or water except at your mercy as a token of how much I love you. Oh yah, a gift of death is really romantic), but whatever! I want to be part of the cosumerism on that day instead of being the lonely girl buying heart shaped chocolates to alone eat in bed at night the day after Valentine’s Day because they are now being cleared out at 50 percent off). You owe me a day of happiness with someone who would immediately think of when he sees this card, has nice hands, is a good kisser, someone well read and also keeps enlarging Karan Johar’s twitter display picture to admire how good looking he is! We don’t have to do anything special on that day, I just want him to play with my hair, tell me that I am the perfect mix of sexy and cute and remind me that I’m so smart and pretty and “different from other womyn” (no matter how sexist that is and despite how much division that creates between us womyn, I am different damn it! I am not like those annoying, good for nothing, too-good-to-lift-a-finger and get their hands dirty, girly girls. I can’t play that part! Oh gosh, that is my downfall isn’t it? Because I refuse to conform to what is expected of my gender?). There should be chocolates, ice cream cake, even donuts! And when my hands are sticky he offers to lick them clean because I am delicious! Don’t fuck this up for me universe, I’ve read The Alchemist over ten times and have watched DDLJ an undisclosed unhealthy number of times. Okay, over 25, I’ve almost averaging 2 times a year since it first came out. Oh gosh I need help.